Shoulder Surgery & Shingles… is this part of that Whatever!

Remember that new habit I said I wanted to start and many of you agreed and joined in…

Yeah, the one where we say "I trust you, Jesus" in response to WHATEVER happens to us.

Remember the verse… Psalm 139:10 or did it slip right by after that day.
It says "even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

In my experience, whenever God teaches me a Truth… like the one in Psalm 139:10, He allows circumstances to come into my lives to see if I learned it or if I was just "playing church."  Last week was no different.

We returned home from a fabulous ski trip and got the boys back to school.  Wednesday morning, I knew I'd be returning to my orthopedic surgeon.  As I read "When adversity strikes and you thank me anyway, your trust in My sovereignty is a showpiece in invisible realms,"  for some reason, I knew I was needed to be reminded that day of 1 Thessalonians 5:18 which says "give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  This is something that was hard for me upon hearing the doctor say 'Your son has cerebral palsy.'  But praise Jesus!  Over the years, He has taught me and shown me that when I am thankful for all things, He can shine big!

My first stop that day was the physical therapist who was doing a re-eval after six weeks of therapy for three times a week.  She was my last stop on this road to seeing if we could help my shoulder minus going to surgery.

Back in June, I injured it on our mission trip while clearing out trees for Arms of Hope.  I can still remember the pain that shot down my arm as we threw a huge branch onto the trailer, and I can still remember grabbing my arm and saying "Please, Lord! Please don't let it be serious"  At that moment, it was as if I could 'hear' God guiding my life in a different direction.

As Monique examined me last Wednesday, her and the other therapist still aren't quite sure what is going on in my shoulder but know it's probably going to require the doctor to do surgery.  So, as I drove to the doctor, I prayed for complete clarity.  When the MRI's don't show anything, just being honest, you can feel pretty silly!  To make it worse, I've had TWO with nothing showing up clearly.  Nevertheless, the pain is increasing and that is obvious to everyone around me whether I want it to be or not.  (Do you see the spiritual parallel yet?!?! :)..)  

Dr. Scheinberg walked into my room and as usual asked about the boys and how our ski trip went.  He's my brother's brother-in-law so there is a comfort that I'm so thankful to have.  He goes back over my file, asks about therapy, and then takes my arm, neck, and head and does some movements.  "Does this hurt?  What about this?"  Until one point, he does something that I can't even remember to my arm, and I nearly reacted with a punch from the other hand.  He steps back and says "it's time" and I knew what he meant.  I don't find it strange at all at this point that I had complete peace. I prayed and asked God for complete clarity as to what to do next, and He answered.

So that is all good until I come home and my mind (which gets us in trouble most of the time) goes wondering.  I won't be able to move my left arm for at least two weeks!  Who is going to fix my hair in a house with all these males?  Who is going to clean in a house with all these males?  Who is going to do all these cute glittery shirts in a house with all these males?  You see the constant…a house full of all these males.  Then I get excited to know God gave me the best four men to be my husband and sons and they are going to do great at taking care of everything needed.  Mama is going to let go of control (since I really don't have any anyways :)..) and know what Psalm 139:10 teaches and God is faithful!!!  Remember "I trust you Jesus!" in response to WHATEVER!!!

Same day, a few hours later, I hear some knocking noises!  I cannot for the life of me figure it out and neither can the boys.  Jamie is on duty and probably thinks I'm crazy because I can be at times!  The next morning as I take Jet to school, I come home to noticing the obvious… shingles gone and laying all in the yard and flower bed.  I snap a picture and send it to Jamie to first prove I am not crazy :)!!  He calls the roofer, I call the insurance man.  He comes out that afternoon and TOTALS the roof!!  WHAT?  All I can think of is that our deductible is $2,308! And remember, I just scheduled shoulder surgery, God, which is going to be $1,000 just to get into the day surgery place!

Why do I act as if God is surprised at these things?

I remembered quickly this time… ALL GLORY TO GOD… "I trust you, Jesus!" is my response!!


I do not have the answers to how all of this will work out!  In my quiet time this morning, I'm reminded in Samuel that "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance while the LORD looks at the heart."  Is my heart REALLY trusting the Lord?  Oh, I can make it look like I am just like the best of us, but what does God see in my heart?  I'm practicing and it takes daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute refreshing my mind to saying
"Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." 
To know that I don't have to understand and the peace that comes not having to figure it all out verses knowing I have a GUIDE that loves me so much that He sent His Son to die so that in Him, I can have eternal life which started the moment I called out to Him!! AND He is holding me in His right hand!  WOW!!!

Roofers are scheduled next week, and surgery is scheduled February 12th.  I look forward to writing updates of how I 'see' God work in both situations and no doubt, more to come!
He is faithful! He is Good!

And Justin just keeps on swinging.....

Yesterday, we had Justin's annual ARD in which we knew we'd be getting his EOC test results from the first of December.  I played around several scenarios in my head before the day came.  On one hand, I thought "He's passed them...no big deal!"  On another hand, I thought, "If he didn't pass them, are we going to make him retake them?"  Then there is always the angry bear Mama side (I've learned this isn't a good side to ever make decisions from) of me that says, "If he didn't pass them, I am going to make sure he doesn't have to take them ever again."

As Jamie and I are getting ready to walk out the door, Justin calls and says "Mama, Ms. Loyd just got me out of class and is making me come to the ARD!"  When Justin attended his first ARD two years ago, he was in tears listening to the reports of everything he couldn't do.  So, when he asked to not have to go, it was perfectly fine to us.  This one was different as Justin is an adult now and has to make the decisions.  I reassured him that Daddy and I were on our way, and everything would be okay.  He had already said the night before that he was a little nervous about getting the results.

The ARD is started in normal fashion, but it doesn't take too long for Justin to be done with the formalities and asks Mr. Morrow, "So what are my results."  He replies, "We will get to that," but Justin wasn't okay with waiting (and who would be).  Mr. Morrow graciously gets away from the normal routine of an ARD to talk to Justin about this tests.  He didn't pass either of them.  On the English 1, he is so super close.  The English 2, he's a little further away but not too far off.  His area of weakness has to deal with different genres of literature.  To be quite honest, I don't know if I could pass these tests at this point.  I do not understand how poetry, MacBeth, and all that other weird stuff to me has anything to do with life.  Now, before you jump on a band wagon and get all upset about the schools and the state of Texas, that is NOT what this is about!  We, the Grahams, are math & science people.  People have strengths in different areas.  I know two of the English teachers that I've become friends with outside of school that love all the literature and think I'm the weird one for liking Math.  We are all different kinds of people and that is a GOOD THING!!  The Bible says it clearly.. We are God's masterpieces (Ephesians 2:10).  We all know that no two masterpieces are alike or they wouldn't be masterpieces, they'd be copies.  See, Justin has already passed Algebra 1 EOC, Algebra 2 EOC, Geometry EOC, Biology EOC, and US History EOC.  It's the English that is the kicker!

With the results, Mr. Morrow explains that Justin will retake them again in April, and on top of that, he'll have additional tutoring one on one with Ms. Loyd but he'd need to miss welding which he doesn't need the credits anyways.  That's all sounds good except Justin LOVES welding, and that Mamabear angry was starting to be loud in my head.  I could see tears about to come in Justin's eyes, but instead of speaking, I waited!  Man, that is the key that I've hardly ever used to unlock God's peace in the midst of a trial!  I just stayed focus on the fact that God is faithful, Justin is HIS masterpiece that He has created to do great things, and that God will supply everything He needs to do it.   After a little discussion, Justin was very peaceful about going to Ms. Loyd 9th period and cutting the welding class in half.  He still gets to go to it, but still gets the one on one help.  Also, Ms. Loyd has already come up with a plan that made total sense.  They will work on Justin's strength in English so that it can raise those scores and counteract the poetry stuff that Justin, being super literal, may never get.  He still finds it so confusing why someone would put their blanket in snow. (Third grade was when we first realized he was so literal when the phrase 'blanket of snow' was in a passage).  Wow!  Why am I surprised that God didn't need my help or my mouth in not only working that out but perfecting it for Justin!  

The rest of the ARD was just formalities that have to be gone through, and we sit back and let them do all the paperwork necessary.  When Justin came home from school, I sat down to tell him how proud I was of him!  He said "I was about to cry, but I didn't."  I told him Daddy and I recognized that but he did exactly what God's word teaches us and let His peace rule in his heart (Col 3:15).  God's Word is so alive and gives life to those of us that will let it be lead our lives!   

Justin goes on to explain that he won't be playing baseball so that he doesn't miss any school and can spend all this time working on his reading and writing.  Holding tears back because we really wanted him to play baseball with Jordan their Senior year, I realize Justin is being obedient to God and working as hard as he can up until the very end.  He will take the English 1 EOC 12 times when he takes it in April and the English 2 EOC 9 times.  It reminds me SO much of when he was batting on the Angels team (what a perfect name for his team!)!  He would swing and swing and swing, but he NEVER gave up!!  I remember clearly a time where he finally hit the ball, and due to gracious people that God placed in our lives, Justin got a HOMERUN!!!!

Praying for this time and BELIEVING, that he will knock these results out of the park!!! 

I'm not sure who made up what names mean, but I'm changing Justin's to perseverance.

"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and loose heart."  Hebrews 12: 1-3

Can tears of joy & sadness fall at the same time?

I'd say most certainly Yes! since it's happened to me many, many times since January 6, 1996!  

What I have learned, though, 

is it's what you do with the combination of those tears that matters!

This was the first way I was introduced to my Baby A & Baby B on that cold January morning.    A few hours prior to this, I was celebrating being on a basketball team in Coppell when my water broke in the bleachers after standing to be recognized.  Talk about leaving your mark on your high school!  Little did I know when I arrived that evening to be reunited with my teammates and coaches how I'd be remembered after that night :).                                                                   After finding out that my doctor was not on call that evening, I was sent to St. Paul in Dallas where they had a great NICU unit since I was only 26 weeks along in the pregnancy.  After a few hours of questioning whether they could keep the boys inside for a while longer, it became clear that it was time to take them.                                                                                  I remember laying on the operating table waiting for the epidural to take effect when all of a sudden, I hear "Mr. Graham, you'll need to leave".  What I didn't know then when the blue curtain went up in front of me was that Justin's heart rate was dropping quickly.  The next thing I remember was waking up in recovering asking if my boys were alive.  The sweet nurse handed me two polaroid pictures labeled Baby A & Baby B.   Here is where I first experienced both tears of joy & sadness.  I was so happy that they were here and alive after going from week 14 where the doctor told us we had a very slim chance of both boys surviving this pregnancy.  Yet I was so sad because I couldn't hold them like all new Mommys want to do.  

Not to much later, they graciously wheeled me into the NICU so that I could see them for myself.   Seeing their tiny bodies with so many tubes and chords attached produced many more tears, but I remember being so overjoyed to see all tubes and chords knowing they were helping the boys survive.  

Fast forward three months and we are getting to take Jordan home.  I remember crying all the way home because I was so sad that Justin was still at the hospital but so joyful because I was getting to bring Jordan home!  It cannot make sense to your human mind when so many emotions are colliding.   

Today, I fast forward 19 years and still experience tears of joy and tears of sadness, but praise Jesus, He has helped me to grow closer to Him and show me what to focus on.  Let me explain.

Just today, I woke Jordan up wandering if it will be my last time to wake him up on his birthday because he is looking into the Air Force.   I could sit in my pile of tears and sadness thinking of only myself and all my 'lasts' with Jordan, or I can let those tears flow (I personally think it's healthy to get out) and at the same time look at how far God has brought Jordan & trust Him for what is next.
Romans 8:6 says 'The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life & peace."    I like to think of the sinful man as self centered man.  When we are only thinking about ourselves, it produces nothing positive.  But when we allow the Holy Spirit to control our minds knowing that God is able to do immeasurably more than we can imagine or ask (Eph 3:20), we have peace and life.  Yes, today may have been the last day I will wake up Jordan on his birthday, but praise Jesus, I've had 19 years of doing it and the what's next is something I can't even dream up on my own…. it's WAY better!!

Then there is the other side as there always has been.  While Jordan is pursuing Air Force, and/or playing college sports then on to fire academy, Justin has tears rolling down his face because he is battling whether or not to play baseball his Senior year.   He knows that his playing time is very minimal and not sure what to do.  Tears fall as I hate cerebral palsy (and know it's okay to hate cerebral palsy), but my focus them turns to tears of joy because Justin may have cerebral palsy but cerebral palsy doesn't have Justin!  HE, too, is in God's hands and I trust His promises!  As I read in my quiet time this morning from Isaiah 40:30-31 Even youth grow tired & weary, and young men stumble & fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint."

My hope is in the Lord and He is my focus!  Cry those tears of sadness but don't let them control you!  Put your trust & hope in the Lord as you focus on Him and what He has done, is doing, and will do in the future.  He has already made provision for your eternity by sending Jesus to die on the cross for YOU!  If He has handled that, no doubts, He's got the rest of this taken care of!