Trying my best to look the right way...

The struggles are real with Baby A & Baby B…

Getting to bring Jordan home from the hospital was so exciting.  After all, we weren't ever supposed to even have the boys, and after 2 1/2 months, we FINALLY got to bring one home.

Why, then, did I cry all they way home?

My spirit was so confused.  Total JOY at seeing Jordan in the carseat, getting to walk into our home with him, and sleep in his own bed (even if it was only 2 hours at a time :)…)  But then there was such struggle with knowing Justin was still at the hospital.  We did put Jordan in the carseat, drive home, walk through the door of our home with him, and then we turned around and drove right back to the hospital.  We spent every minute they'd let us with Justin and Jordan together, and although we did come home to sleep, we were back at the hospital first thing the next morning.  Praise Jesus, two weeks later, we did bring BOTH boys home!

These are struggles that didn't stop there, and I've battled and battled at how to handle them each and every time.  See,  Jordan did everything first…and usually fairly easy and early!  

Whether it was walking, talking, throwing a football, reading, everything and anything, 

he did it and did it well!

Even at an early age, he came to know Jesus as Lord and Savior at an Upward basketball practice.  No doubt, he understood and was confident in the decision he was making!

Each summer in Red River, we walk up a mountain…literally a big mountain!  It's probably one of the hardest things I face each year because the group of kids take off…everyone except Justin because his legs are just too weak.  This past year as we got started, I could not stop crying wishing Justin was with us.  Jordan came back to me because he knew what was going on, and said, "Watch Mama!"  He literally RAN up the mountain without stopping to where I couldn't even see him any longer.  It's hard to explain just how much strength that takes until you've actually done it.  It didn't stop there…he came back and piggy backed several of the little girls up the final and hardest part.  Then he came and insisted on piggy backing me, and I'm not one of the young, light children that he started with!

Having one son that is SO physically strong and 

one that is SO physically fragile 

is SO confusing on your heart and soul!  

This year, Jordan has even begun to struggle because of being 'able', and he knows Justin would LOVE to be out there with him on the field.  Just Thursday night, we had a long conversation because baseball season was starting and Justin says "I just wish I could play more!"  That's hard enough on a 38 year old Mama much less a 18 year old twin brother!

BUT THEN….

In only God's perfect timing, I read my devo tonight that says…. 

Look the right way! 

In the world around you, there are vistas of bright beauty as well as dark, ugly wastelands.  When you look the right way- toward what is true, noble, lovely- you are encouraged and strenghtened. 

That verse follows up with 'If there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things'!

This, my friends and fellow struggles, is my picture of true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report….

PRAISEWORTHY!!!

Why? 

Because it's a perfect picture of what Christ does for me each and every day!

I AM WEAK!

But His word said "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness!"

I could stay focused on the why's of life or I can choose to 

'Look the right way!'

I'm trying my best to look the right way!!  

After all..

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world, you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world" John 16:33

Homecoming, Healing, and My Heart

Warning:  Struggles from a Mom of a child diagnosed with cerebral palsy ahead!

For a while now, I've battled with 

do I continue to pray for God to heal Justin's cerebral palsy…

is that selfish…

does that mean I truly am not content and want him 'fixed'…

Isn't he fearfully and wonderfully made like everyone else?...

I mean, he is 'healed' in the fact that he's accepted Jesus as his Savior 

and will be going to heaven with a whole new body one day…

I've been reminded several times...physical is temporary but spiritual is eternal...

but I can't help but think maybe there is more to all of this?

  

There are no medical cures for cerebral palsy, there is no medicine to fix it, and 

there is nothing you can really do to made it better.

BUT….MY GOD IS ABLE TO HEAL CEREBRAL PALSY.

Homecoming '13 was definitely a day that I remember for many reasons, but just like when the boys were born, my spirit and emotions were colliding and I struggled with staying focused.  Jordan was being interviewed to be on TV as the Quarterback of his team, he was nominated and named Junior Prince, and I was so excited for these great opportunities for him (although they made him extremely nervous because he does not like to speak in front of people or get any attention for that matter, it helped him to rely on the Lord for words since thousands of people were watching)

On the other hand, I think about Justin, and how all he wants to do is play football with his brother, run sprints with the rest of the boys, and jump high (these are his prayers…legs stronger, run faster, and jump higher).   Well, that evening, as halftime was wrapping up and I was walking with Jordan off the sidelines, Coach Raiden stops me and says "You might want to get your camera ready!"  I knew EXACTLY what that meant and I sprinted to the stands to grab my camera, handed Jamie's phone to Randall to video, and called Rae Norton to get pictures from the field.  JUSTIN IS GOING IN!!!!

I think Jordan might have been more nervous than Justin to make sure he got the throw exactly to his brother!!  You can see Jordan does great, Justin catches it with those big ole hands, and with the help of a block from Connor Wiser, Justin runs and gains 6-7 yards!  The crowd roars, tears of joy fall, and Clay Barkley pauses, and then I finally get to hear both boys names announced together!!  That is something I never dreamed was going to get to happen when I heard the words cerebral palsy first come out of the doctor's mouth.  Watching the coaches and other players high five and hug both Justin and Jordan after the play made my heart smile big!  Jordan has lots of memories from that day, but I'm almost certain that will be the highlight of all memories from Homecoming '13.  

I've started to post this video several times and believe me, I've shown lots of people!

But there was always something that just wasn't right about timing!!  

On the way home from skiing, I read a devo in Jesus Today, and chills ran up and down my body.  I didn't say anything at first as I was taking it all in, and I couldn't help but think "Justin…this is about Justin!"  I don't know exactly what that means and I'm okay with not knowing because I know without a doubt God knows!!  I do know it was my answer to all the questions I mentioned above...

Here's what it said (and I have no doubt this applies to lots of people in all different circumstances)

I will restore you to health and heal your wounds.

I am with you, within you, all around you- continually at work in your life.  When your awareness of Me grows dim, My Presence continues to shine brightly upon you.  This Light has immense healing Power.  So dare to ask great things of Me, remembering who I Am. I am able to do exceedingly abundantly above all you ask or think.  Pondering My limitless ability to help you will strengthen your faith and encourage you to pray boldly.

Praying in My Name- with perseverance- can accomplish great things.  Learn from the parable of the persistent widow, who refused to give up.  She kept bringing her petition to a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men.  Eventually her persistence wore him down, and he gave her what she sought.  How much more will I respond to My children who cry out to Me day and night!  Though you may have to wait a long time, do not give up.  For everyone who asks and keeps on asking receives; he who seeks and keeps seeking finds.

All promises straight from Jeremiah 30:17, Ephesians 3:20, Luke 18, Luke 11:10

So, this Mama is going to be persistent, daring to ask great things, knowing 

God IS able to do exceedingly abundantly….

did you get that EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY ABOVE 

all I can think or ask because God's power is at work and

 I will ASK and RECEIVE, 

I will SEEK and FIND, and 

KNOCK and watch as God, Himself,  as Only He Can, will OPEN THE DOOR!! 

Believing in BIG things because My God is BIG... not having any reservations realizing that it may not look like what I think but KNOWING it will be much more than I can think because as always, He's working ALL things together for our good because we love Him!  Yet another promise in Romans 8:28 and God never breaks His promises!

Amen!  Dream Big Friends!!  All For His Glory!!